Uwe’s weblog

Remember Lorna? She’s Chas’s sister. The one with the frog tatoo. Well she telephoned late last Sunday. Chas had asked her to call as he wanted to know if I could come and see him soon. Somewhat embarrassed I explained why I hadn’t been able to visit and told her how my cash flow had moved out without even a kiss goodbye leaving me with the awkward task of choosing food for my daughters or fuel for the car. The girls won. She offered to help with the petrol and suggested we meet the following day.

We met near her Gym in the early afternoon. She thanked me for coming and as it was my birthday offered to buy lunch which I graciously accepted. I listened quietly, over pasta and a latte, while she related her life, family and how she felt for her spiritual twin Chas.

Lorna and her brother have always shared a special bond. Their bond is Truth. Growing up together in England and migrating to Australia in their mid to late teens they always shared truth. They may have lied to others as teenagers do and often to themselves but never to one another. Loosing this closeness is what she fears most and I know Chas feels this also.

Our conversation turned toward the funeral even though we both hope that will be a long way off. Lorna wants everyone to wear an electric blue ribbon held in place by a small frog pin. Electric blue was always Chas’s favourite colour. Locating a small pin with a frog motif might be a challenge though.

After lunch we went to the respite centre. When we arrived Lorna headed for the powder room and I went up to say hi to Chas. His parents were just leaving and although he looked tired he was very happy to see me and was even more pleased when I told him Lorna wasn’t far away.

He’d been exercising his mind by reading the pages I’d given him earlier and painting various ornaments. He’d also just seen the movie Dragonfly with Kevin Costner which touched him deeply. His general exercise regime and massage therapy have been somewhat put on hold. Since giving his “Power of Attourney”, to his daughter Sue, he’s been finding it a little difficult to access the funds needed to pay for external support. It’s a big responsibility for Sue and an awkward situtation for Chas who has always been his own master.

We talked about truth and how it should be handled when it comes to talking with family. Chas remarked that he’d never really be truthful to his parents when it came to his feelings. He believed that the truth of how he felt would hurt them more than simply swallowing his feelings and keeping his pain to himself. I said “A truth delivered with love is less painful than a lie delivered over decades.”

He thought about this for a moment and said “Isn’t it better to swallow the truth and say nothing rather than hurt someone you love?” I responded by saying “Your parents have always dealt with you under the premise of the lie which only built up further resentment in you because you felt they didn’t understand. How could they understand when they were working under a false assumption? In other words – they were not dealing with the truth.”

Chas had been meaning to ask me for weeks to read a couple of passages from a book he had stashed somewhere in his room. After a brief scramble we managed to find it. The book was titled “Karmic Astrology – The moon’s nodes and reincarnation” by Martin Schulman.

As per Chas’s request I am including the excepts from the “Allegory” chapter pertaining to his and Lorna’s star signs.

Chas - Aquarius

“To you Aquarius I give the concept of future that man might see other possibilities. You will have the pain of loneliness for I do not allow you to personalize My Love. But for turning man’s eyes to new possibilities I give you the gift of Freedom, that in your liberty you may continue to serve mankind whenever he needs you.”

Lorna - Pisces

“To you Pisces I give the most difficult task of all. I ask you to collect all of man’s sorrow and return it to me. Your tears are to be ultimately My tears. The sorrow you will absorb is the effect of man’s misunderstanding my Idea, but you are to give him compassion that he may try again. For this the most difficult task of all I give the greatest gift of all. You will be the only one of My twelve children to understand Me. But this gift of understanding is for you, Pisces for when you try to spread it to man he will not listen.”

I don’t know enough about astrology to have an opinion regarding the accuracy of the material, however, in the Conclusion chapter there was this paragraph that resonated with me.

When man can see and understand his ideas, as well as the circumstances that occur in his life as part of the thread he alone is spinning, he will start to develop the substance from within that makes him real from without.

My previous visit with Chas was last Tuesday and being after hours was quite brief leaving us with little time to talk. During the visit I had the distinct impression that he was feeling very frustrated and afraid.

He’d just been transferred to a private room and felt he’d been moved to “the dying room”. I responded by saying “You could call it the dying room or you could call it the healing room depending on what you want to do there”. I must admit I was relieved when he laughed at my response. I continued by reminding him that he’d been complaining about sharing a room a few weeks earlier and once we’d covered the benefits of this new private space he seemed to feel a bit better.

Our conversation turned to what he wanted to do towards his own healing. Since being moved to respite care, several months ago, he’d been paying for additional therapies out of his own pocket. This is due to respite care being mainly pain management and assisted living – it doesn’t cover much else. Once a week his massage therapist visits to alleviate the swelling in his ankles and it’s amazing how much this helps. He’s now looking into physiotherapy and whatever exercise regime might be beneficial to him.

Before I left I promised to visit again on Saturday which seemed to cheer him up. I wish I could visit more often but he’s about an hour away by car.

As promised I went to see him on Saturday. When I arrived he was just having lunch with his mum, dad and his ex brother in law Michael (his sister Lorna’s ex husband). I usually time my visits to give us some private moments but as his parents were there I stepped back and spent most of the afternoon talking with Michael. They left a couple of hours later with Michael saying he’d be coming back with Lorna in a short while.

Once they’d left we discussed ways for him to keep his mind sharp that didn’t involve jigsaw and crossword puzzles. He was looking forward to being able to read again as his mother had provided a magnifying glass to make the task a bit easier. I gave him an audio book by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer and a dozen pages I’d grabbed from the Internet including Stretching Your Self and Being the Body from the P.J. Eby book to start him off.

We discussed his exercise program and I mentioned the following passage from “Stretching Your Self”:-

…exercise with the body you want, not the one you have.

This seemed to strike a nerve in him and he was looking forward to reading the rest of the text.

It was already getting dark when Michael returned with Lorna. The previous Saturday she’d had a frog tattooed on her ankle in honour her brother which had pleased him no end. Being a diabetic, getting a tattoo was risky for Lorna, as the shock might have triggered her condition. She’d researched the risks and in consultation with the tattooist went ahead and did it anyway.

Driving home I couldn’t help thinking about all the ways people were expressing their love for Chas.

It’s interesting that the one comment I received on my previous post dismissed my reading of P.J. Eby’s book as Displacement Activity. I can understand how Steve Holden, the author of DA, could interpret what I’d written as just another way to distract myself from my personal situation and the tasks at hand. I’ll also admit to being guilty of DA from time to time, as I’m sure most people are, but in this instance his summation is banal. Sorry Steve - but aren’t you somewhat guilty of DA by reading my weblog in the first place?

So in order to clarify some of my stuckness I’ve posted part 1 of my story. I’ve pretty much left out the gory details and how I felt during this period for the sake of brevity.

You, Version 2.0 is certainly an interesting book!

Congratulations Phillip! I hope you sell a zillion copies.

I’ll be buying a copy as soon as I can. Until then, however, I’ll be reading the on-line version again to go over some of the finer points as there is certainly plenty to think about.

I’ll admit it - I’m blocked!

Stuck, unmoving, essentially at a loss for what to do - even though my personal to-do list is overflowing.

In my vain attempts to become fluid again I revisited dirtsimple.org to read P.J. Eby’s articles as much of what he has written about, that I’d read, struck a nerve or two so I thought I’d go off and actually read all the articles in the hope of finding some clue to alleviate my own suffering.

To my surprise Phillip has published his articles into a book he’s titled “You, Version 2.0″ which can be ordered from his site.

After a brief detour to consult my bank balance I realised that I couldn’t afford the $29.95 plus $15.00 postage required to purchase the book. The princely sum of $44.95 USD roughly equates to $60.00 AUD. The lack of cash is only one of the symptoms of my stuckness - overwhelming debt and depression are also contributing factors. However, I digress.

As I can’t afford the book I’ve decided to read all the individual blog entries that make it up. To make the job easier I built the following index which reflects the contents of “You, Version 2.0″ with the exception of the last article which alas is only available in the hard copy edition. I’m not sure if the book version and the on-line version differ in any way but I’m hoping there will be enough there to help nudge me out of my stuckness.

You, Version 2.0

The Long Search

• Imperfect == Real
• Without Hesitation
• Miind Over (Things That) Matter
• It’s Good to Be Finished — But how can I do it again?
• Blocked on Chunking
• The Primary Inhibition
• Turning “Stuff” Into Action

The Discovery

• The Multiple Self
• A Spooky Mind Hack
• Doing It Anyway
• Self, version 2.0
• The Refactored Self (Part 1)

Your Life, Alread in Progress

• The Island Within
• Life is Every Moment
• Falling Behind, Rising Above

Feelings are not Optional!

• Smelling the Fear, Feeling the Future
• Being the Body
• The Subjective Side of Productivity
• Pleasure, Predition, Progress
• Stretching Your Self

To Love Life, Embrace Your Pain

• Death in a Pile of Unfinished Projects
• The mistake that took years from my life, and the life from my years
• The Heart of The Resistance
• Little Secret, Big Life

Attention is the Only Technique

• Moving Mind Hacks into “Production”
• Zen and the Art of Do-it-Yourself Brain Surgery
• Attention Means Attention
• Time and Awareness: The Refactored Self - Part 2

What appears above is my understanding of the content of the book. If I’ve missed something please let me know.

Yesterdays visit with Chas was just too amazing for words.

We spent the early part of the afternoon discussing hopes and dreams and how he wondered how many children these days, especially in the cities, have even see a frog. He said “Wouldn’t it be great if schools had Tadpole tanks so kids could see them grow”.

It was one of those sunny Autumn afternoons. We chatted on all sorts of topics mainly around making the world a better place and how he wished he could have done more. I said “You’re still making a difference mate – you always have”. We were interrupted briefly by the some of the staff and they fussed over him and we all had a giggle. Isn’t it wonderful how a persons true nature is reflected back to them by those that care. The staff give him all the love and humour he greets them with and then some. What a great group of people.

Later in the day I met one of Chas’s other friends. Her name was Joanne (good title for a song) and she has a wicked sense of humour and the heart of a lioness. She’d brought a lavender bottle as a gift although her real gift was just being there. The afternoon was terrific. We sat and laughed, chatted, drank coffee and smoked cigarettes while Chas told us about the gifts he was making for his family.

You could almost see the lights come on in his eyes when Joanne told him of a Dragonfly carcase she’d found on the pathway at work. He asked us if we knew what Dragonflies represented in dreams? Joanne didn’t know and all he got from me was my best dumb blonde look so he set off and wheeled himself into his room to retrieve the ‘A to Z of Dreams’ which had this to say on Dragonflies.

To dream of a Dragonfly is to appreciate the need for freedom, but equally to recognise that freedom can be short-lived.

We may be pursuing a dream, but without any real focus as to what we actually want out of life. Our reactions are instinctive rather than logical.

Though the Dragonfly’s physical existence is short, it symbolises immortality and regeneration.

I think that says it all.

About an hour later Joanne had left for home and our conversation veered toward his condition. Chas has “Glioblastoma Multiforme” or “GBM” which is a severe form of brain tumour. I won’t go into the details here but it is a nasty piece of work that Chas always referred to as “The Monster”. I just said “it wasn’t really a monster – just an unwanted hitch-hiker”. He paused for a bit and said “Wow that’s it, I’ve called it The Monster for so long and that’s given it energy. I’m now going to call it the unwanted hitch-hiker. I’ve taken it far enough.”

Moments later Joanne returned with a small box containing one Dragonfly. Another smile! What a lady! She’d gone back to work to collect the Dragonfly just so Chas could have it that day. After she’d left Chas wanted to hide it in a safe place – he had plans for it. So being the mischievous little boys we are we found a perfect stash and hid it away for safekeeping.

All in all it was a positive day which ended, for me, shortly after we shared one of those beautiful Blue Mountains sunsets. For Chas the best was yet to come – he was going to get a surprise visit from his sister Dawn and his brother Tim.

Hope he didn’t keep them up too late.

If you haven’t already done so please read “Time for Chas” and feel free to leave a prayer or comment.